I'm really hoping that I can get the job that I'm interviewing for on Tuesday. As far as I hear from my brother and my friend Kitchen whom already work there, getting an interview is 90% of the hiring process anyways. I know I shouldn't take that to heart, but I really need something to be optimistic about. A new job at a higher rate of pay would be a great step in the right direction for me. It would help me out with a lot of issues that I'm having.
The only other one would be woman related.
As I put on here quite a bit, I've been feeling lonely for a long time. Again, I know I have family and friends, and I'm grateful for that. They help abate the feeling to a degree. I just feel the need to be able to connect to a person on more than just a family or friend level. As stupid as it sounds, I want to feel "love". I was at that point long ago, and I was extremely happy, like anything else that happened could be taken in stride and dealt with accordingly and efficiently. After that ended, it took me a long while to even get back into normal mode. It's just that I really don't feel "whole". I feel that something completely great and wonderful is missing in my life and it literally hurts that it's not there to be found. Something inside just keeps rattling my cage to get out and be free, but I lack the key, it's in someone else's possession. As much as I try to quiet and placate the noise with whatever I can find, it only makes it grow louder.
Recently, that thing inside was able to escape one cage, to roam around a little bit. It had seemed there were good things instore, like it had found a place where it could be free to move, to explore and maybe even shop for a little starting place of its own until it was sure of the neighborhood... But then it just discovered thicker bars and a different cage in that world, that everything it was seeing was just a hollow illusion. It started howling like mad and caused an overload that was getting to the point of a critical mass explosion. Had the job news not come along when it did, I don't want to think how that explosion would have manifested.
It just hurts a lot that I cannot find what I'm looking for. It hurts like nothing else. I'm angry, resentful, and jealous of others that have what I don't have. I'm sick of it. I want the pain to stop, I want that thing inside to be able to be free and re-integrate itself where it belongs. I feel like a failure in that department, like I'm stopped at every turn by some outside force who's determined to keep me miserable by keeping things from happening before they even get half a chance to try things out. I really want this wretched pain to stop,
Friday, March 11, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The walls are going up
So, I've been thinking that the way I've been hasn't been good for anyone, specifically me. I've had it with caring for other people, for going out on a limb for others. I only seem to get hurt. No more. It's ending. I'm sick of being a nice person that people take advantage of. Sick of getting relegated to the friends zone, sick of not getting my chance to prove some things. So, my walls are going back up. Armor-plated this time. I'm NOT going to get emotionally involved with anyone anymore. I'm going to embrace the ball of anger that I've become. I'm going to revel in the disappointment that is my life. Since I obviously can't win, I'm going to sink in with the losing end.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Post Script
To kind of sum things up with my two main issues: They go hand in hand. I can find joy in one or the other happening (one more than the other will make me extremely joyous), but I won't really be happy until I get both.
Until then, I'm thinking it best for me to just become emotionally shut down again. I don't want to, but I think it's the only way for me to regain some clarity and reduce my anger. As of lately, I've been getting so damn jealous at people for having what I don't. that goes double for the people who have the stuff yet either squander it or just plain don't deserve it. I've gone pretty crazy lately, beating myself up in the hopes that something will be better because I had hope. Hope is my downfall. If something is dangling there, almost within my reach, I'll strive to attain it. I will go through many lengths to try and get it. Thing is, I know that I've been a fool. I've been chasing a dream or two that I should have given up on. I should have realized that life was playing another of its mean jokes on me. I really need to learn that I'm probably NOT going to ever get what I actually want. I really believe that kind of stuff just isn't in the cards for me.
So here's a warning: I'm going to be a very bitter person from now on. Call it a need to insulate myself from the outside cruelties of life. I'm sick of getting the short end of the stick. Since that's all I ever seem to get though, I'm going to run with it. Might as well enjoy this as best as I can.
Until then, I'm thinking it best for me to just become emotionally shut down again. I don't want to, but I think it's the only way for me to regain some clarity and reduce my anger. As of lately, I've been getting so damn jealous at people for having what I don't. that goes double for the people who have the stuff yet either squander it or just plain don't deserve it. I've gone pretty crazy lately, beating myself up in the hopes that something will be better because I had hope. Hope is my downfall. If something is dangling there, almost within my reach, I'll strive to attain it. I will go through many lengths to try and get it. Thing is, I know that I've been a fool. I've been chasing a dream or two that I should have given up on. I should have realized that life was playing another of its mean jokes on me. I really need to learn that I'm probably NOT going to ever get what I actually want. I really believe that kind of stuff just isn't in the cards for me.
So here's a warning: I'm going to be a very bitter person from now on. Call it a need to insulate myself from the outside cruelties of life. I'm sick of getting the short end of the stick. Since that's all I ever seem to get though, I'm going to run with it. Might as well enjoy this as best as I can.
Thinking...
4am and I'm at work, getting ready to start my morning routine. Thing is, I keep having these nagging thoughts lately. The thoughts are on the same lines as what I've blogged about in the past, but now there's a certain amount of anger involved. I'm just fucking angry that things will not take a turn for the better for me.I'm sick of feeling depressed, angry, dejected and alone. I'm sick of feeling incomplete on numerous levels. I'm a good person, I should be able to find some happiness. I shouldn't have to have bad shit keep coming down on me...
In the career area: I'm working a dead-end job at a dead-end hotel for meager pay. I have to deal with the degenerate scum of the area and act as if they're important, act as if they matter to me because my paycheck apparently depends on them. Now, I understand that a hotels revenue does come from the customer... but if this place wanted to be better than what it is, they need to first cut off the cancerous growth that infests this place, namely the degenerate and scummy people that rent from us for parties and such. They need to enforce certain policies and get a few other people in that actually know what the fuck to do. They need people who aren't afraid to be a bit of a jackass sometimes in the face of getting shit done. I'm sick of being nice and getting yelled at for doing what's better for this place. I'm sick of working in the public field entirely. I would like nothing more than to get a job where I can make a better living without dealing with the general populace. I want a factory job. I want to go to work and actually come home feeling like I did something. I would think employers would want an employee that can be self motivated, one that WANTS to actually be productive. Apparently, all employers want these days are idiot kids, bitchy old people, or just someone to cower under their managerial powers. They don't want somebody with a backbone.
In the relationship area: I know I've got a few things that are detrimental to any hopes of a real relationship. Living at home is a big one. If the career thing get's better, That situation will most certainly change. Aside from that, there are a few other things, but again, a change in career will help motivate the needed changes, so I consider most of those flaws of mine temporary. Aside from that, I know I have what it takes to be a good "boyfriend" to someone, more if circumstances permit. Thing is, I don't get the chance to prove it to anyone that matters. I've always settled for whomever will tolerate me for the time. Thing is, I've always stepped up and done what I could to be a good partner for that person. I've almost killed myself by being kind to a fault. I don't blow up and yell, I calmly try to fix the situation. I try to be strong, to be there for them whenever they need it and I don't ask for anything in return. I tend to become selfless in those acts, in how I deal with that and as of the last few years, I've only been given pain and suffering in a myriad of forms. I've been cheated on, been told that I don't matter, or left for people that were abusive or just complete douchebags. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being the perpetual "nice guy". I'm sick of always getting shuffled into "the friend zone". I'm sick of finding the right kind of chick at the wrong time. I've been told by quite a few girls that I knew/know that had situations been different, I would have had a chance. I've been told by the same girls that bitch and complain about their loser boyfriends that they wished they had someone like me. I'm at my fucking wits end. I am so sick and tired of either getting shuffled off to friend land or not getting a fair chance. I'm sick of keeping these happier feelings all bottled up.
With everything, the main thing is this: I've had it. I want out of this joke of existence. I've reached my boiling point. I want shit to get better for me. I deserve it. I've put up with enough bullshit to last anybody several lifetimes. I want my damn turn at being a happy and productive member of society. I don't think I'm asking for much. A good job and a good girl.. those are really all I want. I think with those things, everything else will fall in place (yes, I know it'll be a constant workload to maintain, but I'll be happy with that). I don't think it's too much to ask. I'm a good person and I deserve my chance at things too.
In the career area: I'm working a dead-end job at a dead-end hotel for meager pay. I have to deal with the degenerate scum of the area and act as if they're important, act as if they matter to me because my paycheck apparently depends on them. Now, I understand that a hotels revenue does come from the customer... but if this place wanted to be better than what it is, they need to first cut off the cancerous growth that infests this place, namely the degenerate and scummy people that rent from us for parties and such. They need to enforce certain policies and get a few other people in that actually know what the fuck to do. They need people who aren't afraid to be a bit of a jackass sometimes in the face of getting shit done. I'm sick of being nice and getting yelled at for doing what's better for this place. I'm sick of working in the public field entirely. I would like nothing more than to get a job where I can make a better living without dealing with the general populace. I want a factory job. I want to go to work and actually come home feeling like I did something. I would think employers would want an employee that can be self motivated, one that WANTS to actually be productive. Apparently, all employers want these days are idiot kids, bitchy old people, or just someone to cower under their managerial powers. They don't want somebody with a backbone.
In the relationship area: I know I've got a few things that are detrimental to any hopes of a real relationship. Living at home is a big one. If the career thing get's better, That situation will most certainly change. Aside from that, there are a few other things, but again, a change in career will help motivate the needed changes, so I consider most of those flaws of mine temporary. Aside from that, I know I have what it takes to be a good "boyfriend" to someone, more if circumstances permit. Thing is, I don't get the chance to prove it to anyone that matters. I've always settled for whomever will tolerate me for the time. Thing is, I've always stepped up and done what I could to be a good partner for that person. I've almost killed myself by being kind to a fault. I don't blow up and yell, I calmly try to fix the situation. I try to be strong, to be there for them whenever they need it and I don't ask for anything in return. I tend to become selfless in those acts, in how I deal with that and as of the last few years, I've only been given pain and suffering in a myriad of forms. I've been cheated on, been told that I don't matter, or left for people that were abusive or just complete douchebags. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being the perpetual "nice guy". I'm sick of always getting shuffled into "the friend zone". I'm sick of finding the right kind of chick at the wrong time. I've been told by quite a few girls that I knew/know that had situations been different, I would have had a chance. I've been told by the same girls that bitch and complain about their loser boyfriends that they wished they had someone like me. I'm at my fucking wits end. I am so sick and tired of either getting shuffled off to friend land or not getting a fair chance. I'm sick of keeping these happier feelings all bottled up.
With everything, the main thing is this: I've had it. I want out of this joke of existence. I've reached my boiling point. I want shit to get better for me. I deserve it. I've put up with enough bullshit to last anybody several lifetimes. I want my damn turn at being a happy and productive member of society. I don't think I'm asking for much. A good job and a good girl.. those are really all I want. I think with those things, everything else will fall in place (yes, I know it'll be a constant workload to maintain, but I'll be happy with that). I don't think it's too much to ask. I'm a good person and I deserve my chance at things too.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
No good title comes to mind.
It just feels like I'm going through the motions of life these days. I don't like it. I can be happy, be joyful and thankful for friends and such and what I'm able to do. I can bitch and complain about work and stuff as well. Thing is, when I lay down to sleep, I know that I'm still hollow inside, still incomplete. This has been going on for quite some time now, years in fact. I've been feeling like this since before I knew of some people, before I got into my present "situation". I'm tired of it.. I really am. I feel so completely exhausted by it most of the time. I can't even get up the gumption to be angry about it anymore. Who knows, maybe I was meant to be lonely for my years. It's a sad though, but one that keeps poppin in more frequently as time does its' slow march. I really think I was meant for something better than this, meant to be happier.... but through my own actions I seem to have sabotaged that plan and this is the price I pay. I can blame all of the cosmic forces or what-have-you, but in the end, I know it's all been up to me and how I've handled my life. The only thing that really keeps me going anymore is the sick fascination of wanting to know what other curveballs will be thrown in my path and some kind of glimmer of hope that things will get better (as slim as that looks at this point). I'm just at a loss for what to do anymore.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Another one of those nights..
I had thought things were looking up the last week or so. I wasn't feeling down or anything. However, during last night at work all this emotional turmoil crap just broke free and came flooding back into the forefront of my mind. I don't know why it did. All I do know is that I really don't like it. I'm sick of feeling sad and depressed. I'm sick of how things are just going for me in general. Every time I try to change, try to get better or try to lift myself up, the universe seems to smack me down again, harder than the last time. I have a fairly steely kind of resolve and I know that I'll pull through, but sometimes it just seems to be too much. Sometimes it feels like the odds are really stacked against me, like I'm not meant to have what I really want. I feel that my resolve is so fractured right now that any day it's going to break. It's being assaulted from both the outside events in life and internally from some of these feelings that I can't let out. It's like I'm lost, and while I can hear people calling to me in the right direction, this thick forest keeps tricking me into going everywhere except for where I want to be.
I just don't know anymore. I'm hurt, scared of myself in a way, angry, and just a whole slew of other things that I can't properly express. I know I'm a good person, I just wish the universe would realize that and quit treating me like a punching bag.
I just don't know anymore. I'm hurt, scared of myself in a way, angry, and just a whole slew of other things that I can't properly express. I know I'm a good person, I just wish the universe would realize that and quit treating me like a punching bag.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Another musing
I feel better and I also feel worse after getting my previous thoughts out. I'm still extremely saddened that things have happened the way they did. I'm saddened that I have to keep going on as a shell of a person, someone incomplete, someone very much alone. That's my lot in life though, the road I'm usually stuck taking.
I wish it weren't that way.
I wish there was a way for me to change that.
I know what I want and who I want.
I just wish I could get this waiting crap over with. I'm sick of waiting, sick of being patient. I want my turn. I want my chance. I deserve it.
I wish it weren't that way.
I wish there was a way for me to change that.
I know what I want and who I want.
I just wish I could get this waiting crap over with. I'm sick of waiting, sick of being patient. I want my turn. I want my chance. I deserve it.
Internal thoughts and struggle.
Yep... another note. I think I write these just to get my thoughts out. I don't really care what people think of my state of mind, or how I focus on somethings when I probably shouldn't. Again, I don't care. If you don't want to hear about it, delete me or just hide my newsfeed.
I know I'm pretty well out of luck on one situation. Honestly, this situation matters to me more than anything else. If I can get this one thing to happen, I believe all the other shit will sort itself out. I can be patient on many things, but not this. This is something I want to happen soon because time's just running out. Don't take that as anything other than a statement of impending eventuality (and seriously, don't dare to imply it meaning that I'm going to do something stupid). Time runs out on us all. It's a natural cycle, we live with it and adapt to it. But this is something that I want to happen while I'm still relatively young and able to actually enjoy it. I don't want to be an old man, unable to do much or enjoy much if it happens. Thing is... I hate this "alone" thing. I hate this empty feeling that I have inside, like there's a giant piece missing. I don't feel complete. I hate that I have to keep so many positive things bottled up. I've really had enough of it. That's not saying that I'm completely alone, I have friends and family which I care about deeply. However, there are just some things one can't share with friends or family. One kind of needs a partner in crime as it were. Somebody closer than a friend, one you can actually share your inner thoughts and feelings with. Someone you can be comfortable around in all states, both good and bad. And I feel that the clock on that is basically reaching the end for me. I don't know why I feel this way. It just saddens me that I see so many other people out there who've found their own little niche with somebody and I haven't. So many people out there also go and toss that kind of thing away by being frivolous. People only want a quick thing with no lasting meanings or they want something they can return to after they go out and have their "fun". That's the part that really sickens me. It seems fortune on that end favors those who cheat and beat their others, emotionally, verbally, and physically. (Though I do know of a few situations where good people have found other good people, and I'm happy for them, but jealous of them as well). I'm at a loss to explain why someone who conceives themselves as a "nice" person who doesn't do that kind of thing can't find somebody that wants that as well. It doesn't make any sense. Apparently, I can find people out there that think similarly, people I get along with and might do well with... but nothing happens. I run into many reasons for it. Bad timing is a big one, my most common enemy. I seem to come along either too early or too late to be of any use to that person, aside from friendship functions. Similarity is also another common enemy. Too often have I been left behind as it were in favor of someone just like me in interests and personality, yet because they were not me, they got the bargain. I've even been told that the other person was chosen based on their similarity to me. That is a sting of pain, like a thousand papercuts. Unfortunately, physical attributes play a big part in it too, as well as having dependents. I simply do not prefer the large and "curvy", nor do I prefer to deal with the trophies of a past relationship. It's not my thing. I've tried dabbling on both of those ends, and I did not care for either... but I did give each circumstance a shot, so nobody can say I didn't try. I dislike dealing with people who aren't intelligent or able to convey a majority of their thoughts or feelings. I'm not afraid to admit my attunement to my emotional side and thoughts, as shown here. I don't understand why others sometimes have to or choose to be false or misleading with theirs. Another enemy I know of is the lack of a proper chance. Things sometimes go bat-shit crazy before I even get to have a fair and honest shot. It's like people somehow see that I'm not even a viable option when they haven't even tested their theory... this also stings quite badly. I have no problems yielding when I or another screw things up, i just despise not being given my fair turn to prove or disprove the theory. The last enemy I'll name is more of a feeling... luck or karma as it were. The universe seems to be able to deduce the moments when I'm actually starting to feel happy and optimistic, thinking things will get better. And as soon as I reach that level and sit there for a while, they pull the rug out from under me and make me cascade into this deepening pit of despair. That pit sometimes takes me a while to climb out of, and every time I fall, it gets deeper. The only way I really know how to cope with it all is to just push whatever caused it out of my life... delete it, rip it from my memory, no matter how much I might want the opposite.
Now one thing though.. as much as it sounds like I'll settle for the first thing to come my way, I won't. I take this a bit too seriously to go into something like this in a foolhardy fashion. I have standards for what I really want, and while I've dabbled outside of them, I've always known what I truly wanted. That's probably why I have some of these issues and situations. I try to pick my battles for the most part. I just seem to keep losing them. Apparently, what I want vs what the cosmic forces (whatever they may be) want are not in sync. It's very disheartening to say the least. I get the feeling that some things just aren't in the cards for me, and that's the saddest thing of all I suppose.
Copied from my Facebook page.
I know I'm pretty well out of luck on one situation. Honestly, this situation matters to me more than anything else. If I can get this one thing to happen, I believe all the other shit will sort itself out. I can be patient on many things, but not this. This is something I want to happen soon because time's just running out. Don't take that as anything other than a statement of impending eventuality (and seriously, don't dare to imply it meaning that I'm going to do something stupid). Time runs out on us all. It's a natural cycle, we live with it and adapt to it. But this is something that I want to happen while I'm still relatively young and able to actually enjoy it. I don't want to be an old man, unable to do much or enjoy much if it happens. Thing is... I hate this "alone" thing. I hate this empty feeling that I have inside, like there's a giant piece missing. I don't feel complete. I hate that I have to keep so many positive things bottled up. I've really had enough of it. That's not saying that I'm completely alone, I have friends and family which I care about deeply. However, there are just some things one can't share with friends or family. One kind of needs a partner in crime as it were. Somebody closer than a friend, one you can actually share your inner thoughts and feelings with. Someone you can be comfortable around in all states, both good and bad. And I feel that the clock on that is basically reaching the end for me. I don't know why I feel this way. It just saddens me that I see so many other people out there who've found their own little niche with somebody and I haven't. So many people out there also go and toss that kind of thing away by being frivolous. People only want a quick thing with no lasting meanings or they want something they can return to after they go out and have their "fun". That's the part that really sickens me. It seems fortune on that end favors those who cheat and beat their others, emotionally, verbally, and physically. (Though I do know of a few situations where good people have found other good people, and I'm happy for them, but jealous of them as well). I'm at a loss to explain why someone who conceives themselves as a "nice" person who doesn't do that kind of thing can't find somebody that wants that as well. It doesn't make any sense. Apparently, I can find people out there that think similarly, people I get along with and might do well with... but nothing happens. I run into many reasons for it. Bad timing is a big one, my most common enemy. I seem to come along either too early or too late to be of any use to that person, aside from friendship functions. Similarity is also another common enemy. Too often have I been left behind as it were in favor of someone just like me in interests and personality, yet because they were not me, they got the bargain. I've even been told that the other person was chosen based on their similarity to me. That is a sting of pain, like a thousand papercuts. Unfortunately, physical attributes play a big part in it too, as well as having dependents. I simply do not prefer the large and "curvy", nor do I prefer to deal with the trophies of a past relationship. It's not my thing. I've tried dabbling on both of those ends, and I did not care for either... but I did give each circumstance a shot, so nobody can say I didn't try. I dislike dealing with people who aren't intelligent or able to convey a majority of their thoughts or feelings. I'm not afraid to admit my attunement to my emotional side and thoughts, as shown here. I don't understand why others sometimes have to or choose to be false or misleading with theirs. Another enemy I know of is the lack of a proper chance. Things sometimes go bat-shit crazy before I even get to have a fair and honest shot. It's like people somehow see that I'm not even a viable option when they haven't even tested their theory... this also stings quite badly. I have no problems yielding when I or another screw things up, i just despise not being given my fair turn to prove or disprove the theory. The last enemy I'll name is more of a feeling... luck or karma as it were. The universe seems to be able to deduce the moments when I'm actually starting to feel happy and optimistic, thinking things will get better. And as soon as I reach that level and sit there for a while, they pull the rug out from under me and make me cascade into this deepening pit of despair. That pit sometimes takes me a while to climb out of, and every time I fall, it gets deeper. The only way I really know how to cope with it all is to just push whatever caused it out of my life... delete it, rip it from my memory, no matter how much I might want the opposite.
Now one thing though.. as much as it sounds like I'll settle for the first thing to come my way, I won't. I take this a bit too seriously to go into something like this in a foolhardy fashion. I have standards for what I really want, and while I've dabbled outside of them, I've always known what I truly wanted. That's probably why I have some of these issues and situations. I try to pick my battles for the most part. I just seem to keep losing them. Apparently, what I want vs what the cosmic forces (whatever they may be) want are not in sync. It's very disheartening to say the least. I get the feeling that some things just aren't in the cards for me, and that's the saddest thing of all I suppose.
Copied from my Facebook page.
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