No good title comes to mind.

It just feels like I'm going through the motions of life these days. I don't like it. I can be happy, be joyful and thankful for friends and such and what I'm able to do. I can bitch and complain about work and stuff as well. Thing is, when I lay down to sleep, I know that I'm still hollow inside, still incomplete. This has been going on for quite some time now, years in fact. I've been feeling like this since before I knew of some people, before I got into my present "situation". I'm tired of it.. I really am. I feel so completely exhausted by it most of the time. I can't even get up the gumption to be angry about it anymore. Who knows, maybe I was meant to be lonely for my years. It's a sad though, but one that keeps poppin in more frequently as time does its' slow march. I really think I was meant for something better than this, meant to be happier.... but through my own actions I seem to have sabotaged that plan and this is the price I pay. I can blame all of the cosmic forces or what-have-you, but in the end, I know it's all been up to me and how I've handled my life. The only thing that really keeps me going anymore is the sick fascination of wanting to know what other curveballs will be thrown in my path and some kind of glimmer of hope that things will get better (as slim as that looks at this point). I'm just at a loss for what to do anymore. 

Another one of those nights..

I had thought things were looking up the last week or so. I wasn't feeling down or anything. However, during last night at work all this emotional turmoil crap just broke free and came flooding back into the forefront of my mind. I don't know why it did. All I do know is that I really don't like it. I'm sick of feeling sad and depressed. I'm sick of how things are just going for me in general. Every time I try to change, try to get better or try to lift myself up, the universe seems to smack me down again, harder than the last time. I have a fairly steely kind of resolve and I know that I'll pull through, but sometimes it just seems to be too much. Sometimes it feels like the odds are really stacked against me, like I'm not meant to have what I really want. I feel that my resolve is so fractured right now that any day it's going to break. It's being assaulted from both the outside events in life and internally from some of these feelings that I can't let out. It's like I'm lost, and while I can hear people calling to me in the right direction, this thick forest keeps tricking me into going everywhere except for where I want to be.
I just don't know anymore. I'm hurt, scared of myself in a way, angry, and just a whole slew of other things that I can't properly express. I know I'm a good person, I just wish the universe would realize that and quit treating me like a punching bag.

Another musing

I feel better and I also feel worse after getting my previous thoughts out. I'm still extremely saddened that things have happened the way they did. I'm saddened that I have to keep going on as a shell of a person, someone incomplete, someone very much alone. That's my lot in life though, the road I'm usually stuck taking.


I wish it weren't that way.
I wish there was a way for me to change that.
I know what I want and who I want.

I just wish I could get this waiting crap over with. I'm sick of waiting, sick of being patient. I want my turn. I want my chance. I deserve it.

Internal thoughts and struggle.

Yep... another note. I think I write these just to get my thoughts out. I don't really care what people think of my state of mind, or how I focus on somethings when I probably shouldn't. Again, I don't care. If you don't want to hear about it, delete me or just hide my newsfeed.

I know I'm pretty well out of luck on one situation. Honestly, this situation matters to me more than anything else. If I can get this one thing to happen, I believe all the other shit will sort itself out. I can be patient on many things, but not this. This is something I want to happen soon because time's just running out. Don't take that as anything other than a statement of impending eventuality (and seriously, don't dare to imply it meaning that I'm going to do something stupid). Time runs out on us all. It's a natural cycle, we live with it and adapt to it. But this is something that I want to happen while I'm still relatively young and able to actually enjoy it. I don't want to be an old man, unable to do much or enjoy much if it happens. Thing is... I hate this "alone" thing. I hate this empty feeling that I have inside, like there's a giant piece missing. I don't feel complete. I hate that I have to keep so many positive things bottled up. I've really had enough of it. That's not saying that I'm completely alone, I have friends and family which I care about deeply. However, there are just some things one can't share with friends or family. One kind of needs a partner in crime as it were. Somebody closer than a friend, one you can actually share your inner thoughts and feelings with. Someone you can be comfortable around in all states, both good and bad. And I feel that the clock on that is basically reaching the end for me. I don't know why I feel this way. It just saddens me that I see so many other people out there who've found their own little niche with somebody and I haven't. So many people out there also go and toss that kind of thing away by being frivolous. People only want a quick thing with no lasting meanings or they want something they can return to after they go out and have their "fun". That's the part that really sickens me. It seems fortune on that end favors those who cheat and beat their others, emotionally, verbally, and physically. (Though I do know of a few situations where good people have found other good people, and I'm happy for them, but jealous of them as well). I'm at a loss to explain why someone who conceives themselves as a "nice" person who doesn't do that kind of thing can't find somebody that wants that as well. It doesn't make any sense. Apparently, I can find people out there that think similarly, people I get along with and might do well with... but nothing happens. I run into many reasons for it. Bad timing is a big one, my most common enemy. I seem to come along either too early or too late to be of any use to that person, aside from friendship functions. Similarity is also another common enemy. Too often have I been left behind as it were in favor of someone just like me in interests and personality, yet because they were not me, they got the bargain. I've even been told that the other person was chosen based on their similarity to me. That is a sting of pain, like a thousand papercuts. Unfortunately, physical attributes play a big part in it too, as well as having dependents. I simply do not prefer the large and "curvy", nor do I prefer to deal with the trophies of a past relationship. It's not my thing. I've tried dabbling on both of those ends, and I did not care for either... but I did give each circumstance a shot, so nobody can say I didn't try. I dislike dealing with people who aren't intelligent or able to convey a majority of their thoughts or feelings. I'm not afraid to admit my attunement to my emotional side and thoughts, as shown here. I don't understand why others sometimes have to or choose to be false or misleading with theirs. Another enemy I know of is the lack of a proper chance. Things sometimes go bat-shit crazy before I even get to have a fair and honest shot. It's like people somehow see that I'm not even a viable option when they haven't even tested their theory... this also stings quite badly. I have no problems yielding when I or another screw things up, i just despise not being given my fair turn to prove or disprove the theory. The last enemy I'll name is more of a feeling... luck or karma as it were. The universe seems to be able to deduce the moments when I'm actually starting to feel happy and optimistic, thinking things will get better. And as soon as I reach that level and sit there for a while, they pull the rug out from under me and make me cascade into this deepening pit of despair. That pit sometimes takes me a while to climb out of, and every time I fall, it gets deeper. The only way I really know how to cope with it all is to just push whatever caused it out of my life... delete it, rip it from my memory,  no matter how much I might want the opposite.

Now one thing though.. as much as it sounds like I'll settle for the first thing to come my way, I won't. I take this a bit too seriously to go into something like this in a foolhardy fashion. I have standards for what I really want, and while I've dabbled outside of them, I've always known what I truly wanted. That's probably why I have some of these issues and situations. I try to pick my battles for the most part. I just seem to keep losing them. Apparently, what I want vs what the cosmic forces (whatever they may be) want are not in sync. It's very disheartening to say the least. I get the feeling that some things just aren't in the cards for me, and that's the saddest thing of all I suppose.

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