No really good title.

I'm really hoping that I can get the job that I'm interviewing for on Tuesday. As far as I hear from my brother and my friend Kitchen whom already work there, getting an interview is 90% of the hiring process anyways. I know I shouldn't take that to heart, but I really need something to be optimistic about. A new job at a higher rate of pay would be a great step in the right direction for me. It would help me out with a lot of issues that I'm having.
The only other one would be woman related.
As I put on here quite a bit, I've been feeling lonely for a long time. Again, I know I have family and friends, and I'm grateful for that. They help abate the feeling to a degree. I just feel the need to be able to connect to a person on more than just a family or friend level. As stupid as it sounds, I want to feel "love". I was at that point long ago, and I was extremely happy, like anything else that happened could be taken in stride and dealt with accordingly and efficiently. After that ended, it took me a long while to even get back into normal mode. It's just that I really don't feel "whole". I feel that something completely great and wonderful is missing in my life and it literally hurts that it's not there to be found. Something inside just keeps rattling my cage to get out and be free, but I lack the key, it's in someone else's possession. As much as I try to quiet and placate the noise with whatever I can find, it only makes it grow louder.
Recently, that thing inside was able to escape one cage, to roam around a little bit. It had seemed there were good things instore, like it had found a place where it could be free to move, to explore and maybe even shop for a little starting place of its own until it was sure of the neighborhood... But then it just discovered thicker bars and a different cage in that world, that everything it was seeing was just a hollow illusion. It started howling like mad and caused an overload that was getting to the point of a critical mass explosion. Had the job news not come along when it did, I don't want to think how that explosion would have manifested.
It just hurts a lot that I cannot find what I'm looking for. It hurts like nothing else. I'm angry, resentful, and jealous of others that have what I don't have. I'm sick of it. I want the pain to stop, I want that thing inside to be able to be free and re-integrate itself where it belongs. I feel like a failure in that department, like I'm stopped at every turn by some outside force who's determined to keep me miserable by keeping things from happening before they even get half a chance to try things out. I really want this wretched pain to stop,

The walls are going up

So, I've been thinking that the way I've been hasn't been good for anyone, specifically me. I've had it with caring for other people, for going out on a limb for others. I only seem to get hurt. No more. It's ending. I'm sick of being a nice person that people take advantage of. Sick of getting relegated to the friends zone, sick of not getting my chance to prove some things. So, my walls are going back up. Armor-plated this time. I'm NOT going to get emotionally involved with anyone anymore. I'm going to embrace the ball of anger that I've become. I'm going to revel in the disappointment that is my life. Since I obviously can't win, I'm going to sink in with the losing end.

Post Script

To kind of sum things up with my two main issues: They go hand in hand. I can find joy in one or the other happening (one more than the other will make me extremely joyous), but I won't really be happy until I get both.
Until then, I'm thinking it best for me to just become emotionally shut down again. I don't want to, but I think it's the only way for me to regain some clarity and reduce my anger. As of lately, I've been getting so damn jealous at people for having what I don't. that goes double for the people who have the stuff yet either squander it or just plain don't deserve it. I've gone pretty crazy lately, beating myself up in the hopes that something will be better because I had hope. Hope is my downfall. If something is dangling there, almost within my reach, I'll strive to attain it. I will go through many lengths to try and get it. Thing is, I know that I've been a fool. I've been chasing a dream or two that I should have given up on. I should have realized that life was playing another of its mean jokes on me. I really need to learn that I'm probably NOT going to ever get what I actually want. I really believe that kind of stuff just isn't in the cards for me.

So here's a warning: I'm going to be a very bitter person from now on. Call it a need to insulate myself from the outside cruelties of life. I'm sick of getting the short end of the stick. Since that's all I ever seem to get though, I'm going to run with it. Might as well enjoy this as best as I can.

Thinking...

4am and I'm at work, getting ready to start my morning routine. Thing is, I keep having these nagging thoughts lately. The thoughts are on the same lines as what I've blogged about in the past, but now there's a certain amount of anger involved. I'm just fucking angry that things will not take a turn for the better for me.I'm sick of feeling depressed, angry, dejected and alone. I'm sick of feeling incomplete on numerous levels. I'm a good person, I should be able to find some happiness. I shouldn't have to have bad shit keep coming down on me...

In the career area: I'm working a dead-end job at a dead-end hotel for meager pay. I have to deal with the degenerate scum of the area and act as if they're important, act as if they matter to me because my paycheck apparently depends on them. Now, I understand that a hotels revenue does come from the customer... but if this place wanted to be better than what it is, they need to first cut off the cancerous growth that infests this place, namely the degenerate and scummy people that rent from us for parties and such. They need to enforce certain policies and get a few other people in that actually know what the fuck to do. They need people who aren't afraid to be a bit of a jackass sometimes in the face of getting shit done. I'm sick of being nice and getting yelled at for doing what's better for this place. I'm sick of working in the public field entirely. I would like nothing more than to get a job where I can make a better living without dealing with the general populace. I want a factory job. I want to go to work and actually come home feeling like I did something. I would think employers would want an employee that can be self motivated, one that WANTS to actually be productive. Apparently, all employers want these days are idiot kids, bitchy old people, or just someone to cower under their managerial powers. They don't want somebody with a backbone.

In the relationship area: I know I've got a few things that are detrimental to any hopes of a real relationship. Living at home is a big one. If the career thing get's better, That situation will most certainly change. Aside from that, there are a few other things, but again, a change in career will help motivate the needed changes, so I consider most of those flaws of mine temporary. Aside from that, I know I have what it takes to be a good "boyfriend" to someone, more if circumstances permit. Thing is, I don't get the chance to prove it to anyone that matters. I've always settled for whomever will tolerate me for the time. Thing is, I've always stepped up and done what I could to be a good partner for that person. I've almost killed myself by being kind to a fault. I don't blow up and yell, I calmly try to fix the situation. I try to be strong, to be there for them whenever they need it and I don't ask for anything in return. I tend to become selfless in those acts, in how I deal with that and as of the last few years, I've only been given pain and suffering in a myriad of forms.  I've been cheated on, been told that I don't matter, or left for people that were abusive or just complete douchebags. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being the perpetual "nice guy". I'm sick of always getting shuffled into "the friend zone". I'm sick of finding the right kind of chick at the wrong time. I've been told by quite a few girls that I knew/know that had situations been different, I would have had a chance. I've been told by the same girls that bitch and complain about their loser boyfriends that they wished they had someone like me. I'm at my fucking wits end. I am so sick and tired of either getting shuffled off to friend land or not getting a fair chance. I'm sick of keeping these happier feelings all bottled up.

With everything, the main thing is this: I've had it. I want out of this joke of existence. I've reached my boiling point. I want shit to get better for me. I deserve it. I've put up with enough bullshit to last anybody several lifetimes. I want my damn turn at being a happy and productive member of society. I don't think I'm asking for much. A good job and a good girl.. those are really all I want. I think with those things, everything else will fall in place (yes, I know it'll be a constant workload to maintain, but I'll be happy with that). I don't think it's too much to ask. I'm a good person and I deserve my chance at things too.

No good title comes to mind.

It just feels like I'm going through the motions of life these days. I don't like it. I can be happy, be joyful and thankful for friends and such and what I'm able to do. I can bitch and complain about work and stuff as well. Thing is, when I lay down to sleep, I know that I'm still hollow inside, still incomplete. This has been going on for quite some time now, years in fact. I've been feeling like this since before I knew of some people, before I got into my present "situation". I'm tired of it.. I really am. I feel so completely exhausted by it most of the time. I can't even get up the gumption to be angry about it anymore. Who knows, maybe I was meant to be lonely for my years. It's a sad though, but one that keeps poppin in more frequently as time does its' slow march. I really think I was meant for something better than this, meant to be happier.... but through my own actions I seem to have sabotaged that plan and this is the price I pay. I can blame all of the cosmic forces or what-have-you, but in the end, I know it's all been up to me and how I've handled my life. The only thing that really keeps me going anymore is the sick fascination of wanting to know what other curveballs will be thrown in my path and some kind of glimmer of hope that things will get better (as slim as that looks at this point). I'm just at a loss for what to do anymore. 

Another one of those nights..

I had thought things were looking up the last week or so. I wasn't feeling down or anything. However, during last night at work all this emotional turmoil crap just broke free and came flooding back into the forefront of my mind. I don't know why it did. All I do know is that I really don't like it. I'm sick of feeling sad and depressed. I'm sick of how things are just going for me in general. Every time I try to change, try to get better or try to lift myself up, the universe seems to smack me down again, harder than the last time. I have a fairly steely kind of resolve and I know that I'll pull through, but sometimes it just seems to be too much. Sometimes it feels like the odds are really stacked against me, like I'm not meant to have what I really want. I feel that my resolve is so fractured right now that any day it's going to break. It's being assaulted from both the outside events in life and internally from some of these feelings that I can't let out. It's like I'm lost, and while I can hear people calling to me in the right direction, this thick forest keeps tricking me into going everywhere except for where I want to be.
I just don't know anymore. I'm hurt, scared of myself in a way, angry, and just a whole slew of other things that I can't properly express. I know I'm a good person, I just wish the universe would realize that and quit treating me like a punching bag.

Another musing

I feel better and I also feel worse after getting my previous thoughts out. I'm still extremely saddened that things have happened the way they did. I'm saddened that I have to keep going on as a shell of a person, someone incomplete, someone very much alone. That's my lot in life though, the road I'm usually stuck taking.


I wish it weren't that way.
I wish there was a way for me to change that.
I know what I want and who I want.

I just wish I could get this waiting crap over with. I'm sick of waiting, sick of being patient. I want my turn. I want my chance. I deserve it.