Thinking...

4am and I'm at work, getting ready to start my morning routine. Thing is, I keep having these nagging thoughts lately. The thoughts are on the same lines as what I've blogged about in the past, but now there's a certain amount of anger involved. I'm just fucking angry that things will not take a turn for the better for me.I'm sick of feeling depressed, angry, dejected and alone. I'm sick of feeling incomplete on numerous levels. I'm a good person, I should be able to find some happiness. I shouldn't have to have bad shit keep coming down on me...

In the career area: I'm working a dead-end job at a dead-end hotel for meager pay. I have to deal with the degenerate scum of the area and act as if they're important, act as if they matter to me because my paycheck apparently depends on them. Now, I understand that a hotels revenue does come from the customer... but if this place wanted to be better than what it is, they need to first cut off the cancerous growth that infests this place, namely the degenerate and scummy people that rent from us for parties and such. They need to enforce certain policies and get a few other people in that actually know what the fuck to do. They need people who aren't afraid to be a bit of a jackass sometimes in the face of getting shit done. I'm sick of being nice and getting yelled at for doing what's better for this place. I'm sick of working in the public field entirely. I would like nothing more than to get a job where I can make a better living without dealing with the general populace. I want a factory job. I want to go to work and actually come home feeling like I did something. I would think employers would want an employee that can be self motivated, one that WANTS to actually be productive. Apparently, all employers want these days are idiot kids, bitchy old people, or just someone to cower under their managerial powers. They don't want somebody with a backbone.

In the relationship area: I know I've got a few things that are detrimental to any hopes of a real relationship. Living at home is a big one. If the career thing get's better, That situation will most certainly change. Aside from that, there are a few other things, but again, a change in career will help motivate the needed changes, so I consider most of those flaws of mine temporary. Aside from that, I know I have what it takes to be a good "boyfriend" to someone, more if circumstances permit. Thing is, I don't get the chance to prove it to anyone that matters. I've always settled for whomever will tolerate me for the time. Thing is, I've always stepped up and done what I could to be a good partner for that person. I've almost killed myself by being kind to a fault. I don't blow up and yell, I calmly try to fix the situation. I try to be strong, to be there for them whenever they need it and I don't ask for anything in return. I tend to become selfless in those acts, in how I deal with that and as of the last few years, I've only been given pain and suffering in a myriad of forms.  I've been cheated on, been told that I don't matter, or left for people that were abusive or just complete douchebags. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being the perpetual "nice guy". I'm sick of always getting shuffled into "the friend zone". I'm sick of finding the right kind of chick at the wrong time. I've been told by quite a few girls that I knew/know that had situations been different, I would have had a chance. I've been told by the same girls that bitch and complain about their loser boyfriends that they wished they had someone like me. I'm at my fucking wits end. I am so sick and tired of either getting shuffled off to friend land or not getting a fair chance. I'm sick of keeping these happier feelings all bottled up.

With everything, the main thing is this: I've had it. I want out of this joke of existence. I've reached my boiling point. I want shit to get better for me. I deserve it. I've put up with enough bullshit to last anybody several lifetimes. I want my damn turn at being a happy and productive member of society. I don't think I'm asking for much. A good job and a good girl.. those are really all I want. I think with those things, everything else will fall in place (yes, I know it'll be a constant workload to maintain, but I'll be happy with that). I don't think it's too much to ask. I'm a good person and I deserve my chance at things too.