Post Script

To kind of sum things up with my two main issues: They go hand in hand. I can find joy in one or the other happening (one more than the other will make me extremely joyous), but I won't really be happy until I get both.
Until then, I'm thinking it best for me to just become emotionally shut down again. I don't want to, but I think it's the only way for me to regain some clarity and reduce my anger. As of lately, I've been getting so damn jealous at people for having what I don't. that goes double for the people who have the stuff yet either squander it or just plain don't deserve it. I've gone pretty crazy lately, beating myself up in the hopes that something will be better because I had hope. Hope is my downfall. If something is dangling there, almost within my reach, I'll strive to attain it. I will go through many lengths to try and get it. Thing is, I know that I've been a fool. I've been chasing a dream or two that I should have given up on. I should have realized that life was playing another of its mean jokes on me. I really need to learn that I'm probably NOT going to ever get what I actually want. I really believe that kind of stuff just isn't in the cards for me.

So here's a warning: I'm going to be a very bitter person from now on. Call it a need to insulate myself from the outside cruelties of life. I'm sick of getting the short end of the stick. Since that's all I ever seem to get though, I'm going to run with it. Might as well enjoy this as best as I can.